I still can’t understand why married couples keep on resisting the desire for erotic sensual sexual pleasure and experiences with their spouses. They are sexually active but they are not deriving much pleasure from the activities. They are not very sure whether those pleasures or actions are right or wrong. For instance, many husbands are still not very comfortable with the idea of sucking or caressing their wives’ clitoris; they come up with loads of excuses.
Many wives are also not very comfortable with many of their husbands’ fantasies and demands. So, most times even after long sexual intercourse, many spouses are still left with wanting more like Oliver Twist. Behind their hesitation lies the fear that wanting more sex, better sex, or different sex and most times partner with stronger sex drives is abnormal. Certainly, things are changing. A recent research has shown that women are just as easily aroused and can have sex drives as strong as men and can expect some weird sexual needs.
For those who grew up in a purity culture, sexual desire can feel confusing. I have counselled many men and women who waited for marriage to have sex and then felt frustrated and guilty for their lack of sexual desire or enjoyment in the marriage. They thought waiting for marriage would lead to better sex, but instead felt like they were being punished for doing the right thing. Sexuality is not about getting something for oneself (such as pleasure or orgasm), but about giving one’s whole being to another.
One reason for this is that many couples often associate bodily pleasure, such as enjoying a rich piece of chocolate, with danger and guilt, and thus fear what their bodies want. This type of fear is also being transferred over to the sexual realm, leading such couples to denial of their longings, satisfactions and pleasure. And each time I am privileged to talk with couples, I let them know that these challenges are not easily overcome. Intentionally embracing sexual desire is a critical investment in marital health.
Another reason is that many couples do not believe that their sex life and style change as lots of things in them. Sometimes, couples find it difficult to comprehend the changes in their sex life. They usually think that something is wrong with them or their spouse. But experts have made it clear that couples’ sex taste buds differ from age to age, and the earlier a spouse is aware of this, the better it is for him or her and the partner.
This awareness is particularly useful for couples who have obvious age gap between them.
The understanding of this will assist each partner to sexually please his or her spouse and, of course, help reduce cases of infidelity to the minimum.
Couples’ sex drives, libido and taste change with age. For instance, couples within the ages of 20 to 30 years share sexual similarities in taste, preference, flavour, libido and craving while couples within the ages of 32 to 39 have the same sexual favourite, passion, desire and yearning than those within the ages of 45 and above.
The period between 20 and 30, experts say, is the stage where couples have lots and lots of great sexual chemistry at their disposal. It is the stage where both partners fall madly in love and constantly produce high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals not only make young couples feel extremely excited, they drive up testosterone– the hormone that fuels the sex drive of men as well as women–to the highest height. Besides, time is on the side of this category of couples. For young couples who have no children, mornings and evenings are blissfully theirs for romantic romps. What’s more, they are at the beginning of their sexual career and they have a long way to go.
This is the stage where more than often you hear the man complain of premature ejaculation, because with all the sexual tension between the couple, the man sometimes gets so excited that he ejaculates too quickly. Or since both of them are so young, the man may not yet know how to climax every time. And this is the stage they skip foreplay or see it as torture. Nevertheless, this is the time they could really get to know each other’s body and to figure out their likes or dislikes. The couple should see this as an opportunity to create their own sexual template. Actually, for this age group, this is the time to try it all and talk about what both of them are trying out.
Sometimes, couples are clueless about what to say at this point to really heat sex up. You have to tell each other what you want. But for many young couples at this stage, talking about sex may sometimes be embarrassing. This can be especially true of women who may not realise that giving their partner some sexy instructions in bed is likely to turn them on.
To get comfortable with the kind of talk that drives men into action, a wife can try this slightly ridiculous game. This game lets you reveal where and how you want to be touched (as well as find out his hot spots) without saying a word. Just tell him you want to practise his favourite move but that he has to physically tell you what it is. Sit naked in the middle of the bed, facing each other. Lock eyes with him and fantasise about what you’d like him to do to you while he concentrates on what he wants you to do to him. As if that aren’t fun enough, try to read each other’s mind. After a few minutes, share your thoughts. By now you should both be hot enough to say anything and be ready to go ‘gaga.’
Source : Punchng by Funmi Akingbade
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