Effects of Masturbation #masturbation

Dele and Shayo (not real names) have been married for a few

years. Shayo is a housewife, taking care of the kids, while Dele goes

to work every day. Dele came back from work one fine evening,

expecting to get “something light” from his wife after dinner, only

for her to say “Dele I have already masturbated a few hours ago, so

I am not really in the mood right now”.

This was the fifth time Shayo was telling him this in three weeks, so

obviously she had replaced “Dele” with her “fingers,” using her

newly purchased vibrator hidden away somewhere in the house.

Dele was so angry at being deprived of his right. Being a Christian,

he didn’t believe in cheating on his wife, and he didn’t want to be

put in that situation so he wanted her to stop using that “evil”

vibrator right away. Out of fear, she threw it away, but couldn’t

overcome the urge soon and started using her fingers to please

herself, Dele couldn’t take it anymore when he discovered and that

was the beginning to the end.

This story is the same or slightly different with many other

experiences of couples in various homes. Some partners accept it

because they feel it’s much better than “adultery”, while some see it

as a slap on the face. The interesting part is men rarely talk about it

amongst themselves. Women are more open in discussing it with

each other, while couples don’t even want to mention it at all. Really

interesting, isn’t it?

Couples should be open about their sexual wants and desires, as

well as their dislikes. 85 % of men and 45 % of women who live

with their spouses are said to have masturbated. Vibrators, sex

machines, sex toys and even sex dolls are steadily replacing human

contact and encouraging masturbation addiction. Many people

would argue that this is more common with men, than women, well

that is not our debate for today, but on how it affects both genders

and its aftermath in a relationship. Masturbation is derived from the

Latin word “manstuprare,” meaning “to defile one’s self by hand”.

Many couples I have counselled or spoken to say that masturbation

is a very uncomfortable topic to broach. Imagine walking in on your

partner masturbating? So many questions will be running through

your head at once. Apart from immediately casting and binding the

devil, there are several thoughts that rush through your mind,

number one being who or what is my partner thinking about while at

it? Some couples may wonder if masturbation can ruin their

relationship. Other couples don’t even want to discuss it.

Masturbation often carries a stigma. Some religious, cultural and

spiritual traditions associate masturbation with immorality or sin.

But the truth is masturbation can become an addiction which can

cause harm to your relationship with several signals stated below.

When you get to a point where you inflict self-injury on yourself due

to this habit, it can lead to other challenges in your relationship.

If your spouse uses masturbation to cope when they are under

stress, especially when work pressure increases and next step is to

quickly get a private place to “handle” themselves, then this is a big

issue because apart from leading your partner to other stress

management behaviour it can quickly escalate into a big problem,

imagine having to get to the toilet anytime you are under duress.

This can create a feeling of rejection if one’s partner finds solace in

masturbating rather than sexually connecting with their partner. If

your partner finds it very easy to replace physical contact with you,

even when you are available.

We operate in a religious environment. The weight of guilt that

presents itself with this act, especially in connection to our

religious and spiritual beliefs (if you have any) will lead to secrecy

or in some cases creating and maintaining a double life around your

sexual lifestyle.

One of the criteria for addictive behaviour is the frequency of the

act, sometimes partners who want to stop and are unable to do so,

sometimes unconsciously increase after trying to make effort to

stop due to the helpless feeling it gives.

Putting religion or cultural beliefs aside, it is an unhealthy habit with

emphasis on the word habit, not only as an individual but for

couples. Masturbation is very common among adults, yet it remains

a challenging and uncomfortable topic

It causes a feeling of inadequacy, especially when the partner

discovers about it, they tend to blame themselves, assuming that

their spouse or partner is bored or unhappy with them. Masturbation

is a problem that interferes with day-to-day life, especially when it

is used to substitute real intimacy with another person.

Your partner may feel that his or her partner has been keeping

secrets. What couples should understand is that couples have

different viewpoints. People who masturbate may do so in different

amounts. There is nothing like an acceptable number or not an

acceptable number. where we can establish you have a problem

with masturbation is when you can’t achieve orgasm with your

partner through intercourse, the best is to seek help from a

therapist. They can work with you and your partner to iron out major

concerns affecting your relationship, or smaller issues you are

struggling with.

So many couples if they can be a sincere struggle with

masturbation. It all depends on if you feel you should tell your

spouse that you masturbate. But you shouldn’t allow the feeling of

inadequacy over take you if you discover your partner masturbates,

as long as you can maintain a healthy relationship where both

individuals communicate effectively to understand each other and

know exactly when to come in. Adult individuals are entitled to

their own thoughts, even what our society might deem repugnant.

Basically what should be your priority which is my major rule for

relationships is that all your sex, including fantasies, should be with

each other.

Is it possible to stop masturbation, especially when it is affecting

your relationship? I would say yes! Definitely, you can stop it.

Instead of trying to restrict your partner’s behaviour for instance

because restriction with words like “you must stop this habit at

once’ will only aggravate issues. It is a matter of discipline and

acceptance to try and stop, once there is a will there is away. If

you desire to help your partner to stop, then the best method is to

1. Talk to them about the habit.

2. Find out what triggers it (for instance work pressure).

3. Ask them how you can help them stop it.

4. Give mental and moral support; don’t make them feel

ashamed.

5. Try to turn their attention to something else, so that they get

to use their time constructively.

6. Do it slowly, change cannot happen overnight.

7. Know when to seek professional help.

Learning to stop masturbating is a process and this process takes

time. To overcome this behaviour you’ve practised for months and

sometimes even years, you personally need several coping

strategies in order to save your relationship and cause less damage

to show them you really want to stop.

Keeping a full schedule will cut down on the opportunities you have

for masturbation. Find activities that are self-soothing, engaging, or

exciting. I personally recommend joining a gym, start running or

jogging, exert yourself physically.

You will also need a healthy diet for your body, caring for yourself

may reduce urges or provide motivation to resist. It can also

provide a new focus for your energy and efforts. You also need to

be accountable to someone you trust, if you can find a support

group. That would be excellent and the right path to recovery. It can

also help you develop new behaviour. You need to limit your lone

time, wear extra clothes at night to cover everywhere as much as

possible, make it difficult for the temptation to be successful. Stop

everything that triggers the urge, like porn, sex magazines and so

on, and most of all, be patient with yourself while healing yourself.

Good luck!

Source: thenationonline.net